Episode 9: Ill Will / Forgiveness

I ended the last post with the famous quote of MLK “I choose Love, for Hate is too great a burden to bear.”  I feel it is a good time, being Valentine’s Day and all, to explore this quote and to talk about love, though somewhat indirectly. Love is such a transforming, healing, and generous skill which has the power to transform our lives and the lives of those around us, though it is often hard to love freely and openly. We all know this, so what is it that keeps us from loving? Though I rarely speak in absolutes, I agree with Alan Watts when he says “We must love”. 

 

In the teachings of the Buddha, one of the five hinderances which keep us from living a complete life, or obstructions from reaching enlightenment, is ill will. Ill will takes the form of anger, aversion, or hatred and in turn closes our hearts and minds. It is a major obstruction to finding happiness in our lives. Where does this ill will come from and who is truly impacted when we close people out of our hearts? Though we can express ill will or hatred towards situations, objects, places or anything really, I want to focus on the ill will we direct toward people in our lives. Some of whom we know well, some who we may not know at all.

 

Each of us know what it is like to have hatred in our hearts, for it is just as common for us to say, we hate something, as it is for us to say we love something. Though, we often let these words slip through our mouths without second thought, without understanding exactly what we mean. Yet words matter. Not only do they stick with us and become more readily available with each subsequent use, but we will actually start believing them as we repeat them. And when others hear us use this language, we in turn influence them in ways unseen. Either their opinion of us is shifted when we use such words, or their opinion of the thing of which we speak may begin to shift when they see that we have such strong views of the thing. Hate and dislike are not equal. Love and like are likewise unequal to the same degree. Martin Luther King points to this difference in his understanding of the Bible’s love thy enemy, that we are not asked to like a person, we are asked to Love a person as God loves. Words and the way in which they are expressed have power beyond what any of us will ever see.

 

We may dislike, or be upset with a person’s actions. Say they have been dishonest, hurtful, violent, or condescending to us, or others, or to those we love. It is natural to want to correct this behavior in another but we don’t really know how, so we tend to respond in a reactionary way, rather than responding in a mindful, or thoughtful way. This is all completely normal. There are reasons, evolutionarily, that these traits exist in us today. In old times protecting our status, or the status of our group sometimes meant that we got to eat or how we were treated or whether we survived long enough to pass along our genes through reproduction. As such, these tendencies are strong within us, but they are rarely useful these days. So we should recognize them when they appear, and do our best not to be captured by them.

 

When we feel anger towards someone, that feeling can be useful. We can learn quite a bit about ourselves if we explore why the feelings arose and what they have to teach us. We can also use this information to correct the behavior of another individual, if that is what is needed. One mistake we often make is to simply cut that person off. I say this is a mistake for two reasons. One is that when we do this, we abandon any chance for understanding, reconciliation, or forgiveness. Two is that we don’t give the offender a chance to learn from their offense and how it has impacted us or others. We simply cut them off and expect them to know why and further expect them to come to us with bent knee asking for forgiveness. This may actually work from time to time, depending on the situation, but it is far from ideal. This has been something I’ve struggled with throughout my life, the ability to express my feelings towards one who has upset me, open myself up to understanding, then to offer forgiveness. My first reaction is to shut down and wall them off. Not a single good thing has come of this. Years of relationships have been tainted by my inability to approach my offender and truly express the harm which they have caused me or others. Some of these have gone on so long that I only have a vague idea of what really caused it in the first place. Really this episode is for me, but I think we might all learn a little something here.

 

There are certainly times when distance is necessary, or at least useful, and you will know best if that is the situation in which you find yourself. But I think in order to figure that out we need to be honest about the offense, the offender, and what the long or short term effects can be of that distance, of that cutting off or separation. 

 

Sometimes this calculation is not required as in the case of an unpleasant exchange with a stranger or someone you may never see again, yet these experiences may take more skill to navigate simply because of their brevity. We have a short time to make sure we don’t react in kind, thus carrying away the unpleasantness with us, while giving the stranger more fuel to burn those around him. We will never know what has been kindled in another and what our spark may ignite, and this is especially true of those we know least. Those whom we know most, we generally understand better what may set them aflame and we usually do our best to avoid throwing those sparks in their direction. This is the skill I’m talking about. With those who are in our lives, whether by choice or not, we not only have a better idea of how to navigate them, but we also have time to figure out how to best make amends. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but sometimes it helps.

 

For those in our lives, whether by choice or not, for we cannot choose most of these, who we are in conflict with, it is important that we look at the broader picture. People who are in our lives are here for a reason. They may be parents, siblings, co-workers, extended family, in-laws etc. and we have to find a way to keep that web of love, of connection strong. When we choose to cut someone loose from that web, we weaken the connections we have with others in that web. We may feel that we are cutting someone out of our web, but that is not entirely true, it is one web out of which we cut ourselves. These are the destructive consequences of harboring and manifesting ill will. We disconnect from those whom offend us and in turn weaken the connections we have with those who are connected to the offender. There is no way around this. We close parts of ourselves and they close parts of themselves. Our hearts become hardened and not just to the offender but to those who are connected to the offender who do not share our view or experience. This is not love. This is conditional based approval.

 

What can we do about all of this? I believe we have an obligation and responsibility to communicate. We might be careful to ensure that before we engage another person, that we have calmed down and have also found the root of our anger so that we may communicate our truth with love. This vulnerability is not only beneficial to the relationship, but to the greater community in which we live. A parent likewise has the obligation and responsibility to understand and correct the destructive behavior of a child for these same reasons. The earlier the correction, the better, the easier. Not only for the household, but for the greater good of the community. In cases where this is absolutely impossible or out of the question, as it sometimes is, I have another suggestion.

 

Use your imagination. I’m not asking you to invent or devise some scheme which will help you cloak your feelings or clever ways to avoid certain people and situations, I’m asking you to imagine what it might be like to be the offender. Put yourself in an imaginary situation in which you would have acted in exactly the same way. Imagine what suffering may have caused this action. It is also not hard to realize that you would have done exactly the same thing if you were in that person’s exact circumstance, with the exact same life experience. There would be no way around it. This is non-judgement in action; accepting our own ignorance and in turn being open hearted so that understanding and compassion might come flooding in.  If you have difficulty conjuring up such a sympathetic and imaginary story, try to recall a time in which you acted in a similar way, which you later wish you had not. How did it go? What caused you to act in this way? What were the consequences? Were you forgiven? Did you forgive yourself? Now how can you apply the concept and insight of loving kindness in this particular situation?

 

I’ve mentioned in the past that I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give is that of forgiveness. And I use the word gift deliberately. It is an act of love, selflessness, compassion and understanding. The strange thing about this gift is that we who give it, benefit the most from it. This because our hearts will soften and open and we will no longer have to bear the burden of hate, or ill will. We can love a person and dislike their behavior. Just as we can still love ourselves in the face of our shortcomings. Forgiveness will, in the words of Jack Kornfield, release us from the sorrows of the past. Forgive and forget is often the phrase tossed about and this is accomplished when we no longer stew on things. When we forgive, we put them out of our minds when they arise, and in this way, we let the hotness of the experience cool and sink into the depths of our experiential ocean. We no longer keep the feelings fresh by continually conjuring them up, we no longer allow these feelings to imprison us which is one reason we often seek retribution, we mistakenly think someone else is making us feel this way and we want to punish them for it. But when we let go of these feelings, we release ourselves. Chances are, it is only us, not the offender, continuing to feel what we feel. This is how we forget. Truth is that we generally forget that which we do not continually think about. The forgetting is simply the natural outcome of true forgiveness. 

It is an act of self love that will radiate outward and penetrate everything we do.

Ill will is a form of suffering, and through the recognition and likewise overcoming of this suffering we can touch enlightenment. We can then begin to love openly and freely. “For me, I choose love. For hate is too great a burden to bear.”