Episode 2: Mindful Expectations

  If it is true that we are unhappy when things don’t go as we expect them to go, then it makes sense to look at our expectations more closely. We should figure out what importance they have in our lives and see what role they play and whether or not they are necessary. If they do cause us to be unhappy, then we should be able to trace back their source and even eliminate some of them. We can see this clearly in our expectations of mediation practice, and apply it to our daily expectations of ourselves, our life, and others.

 

  Sometimes the minutes we dedicate to meditation are the only moments of solitude or quiet we experience throughout the day. Because of this, we look forward to it and at times we have certain expectations for how we want this session to unfold. Even beginners who find their way to meditation may bring with them expectations based on the experiences and promises of others. This can be discouraging if those expectations are not immediately met. At times when we sit for meditation, we carve out a few minutes and find an appropriate location and we want it to be such a way… quiet, calm, relaxing, comforting, or we may even wish to achieve a particular state of enlightenment.

 

  But once we begin, an unexpected sound enters the room, or bodily pain arises, or a disturbing thought appears, and we aren’t able to achieve the level of concentration or peace we had hoped for. 

 

  This is life in a nutshell. We come to it with certain expectations as we are given instructions from our society for how to succeed, for how to be happy, and we expect that everything will work out. We’re taking all the right steps, and we are soon let down when things, which are out of our control, just happen and we don’t get what we want, exactly how we want it. We expected the light of success, and all we see is darkness.

 

What then? 

 

  Is our meditation session, or our life, a failure if it doesn’t check the boxes of our expectations? 

Absolutely not, but we may want to reconsider our approach. This is yet another lesson meditation has to offer us. It is not here to serve our will, we can not make it do anything. We can find a comfortable seated position in a quiet room at a particular time, thus taking the first steps toward creating a proper environment, but we cannot control anything beyond that. Moments just unfold as they do. We must be open to whatever is. The greater the expectations, the greater the potential disappointments.

 

  A broad window of awareness is available to us and our expectations and subsequent reactions place limitations on what is able to pass through this window. They act as layers of curtains that darken our view. We simply need to fling open the curtains, relax, and let the light in. If only it were that easy. Meditation practice helps us to peel these layers back, one at a time. We can then take this practice into our daily activities.

 

Some days we call good, some we call bad. What is the difference?

 

  The worst days are those in which nothing seems to be going “right”. They may begin something like this. We wake up late after our alarm doesn’t sound, then hop into an unwanted cold shower. Perhaps our coffee machine doesn’t obey its timer, or our car has trouble starting. We expect a lot of things to go right without even realizing it. These expectations lay the groundwork for unhappiness, and if we take them personally and do not recognize them as things that just happen, they can add up and slowly bring us down—all this before 9AM!

 

So what does a good day look like?

 

Is it when things go as expected?

 

Or is it even when the events of the day exceed our expectations? 

 

What happens when we expect things to go poorly, such as an interaction with a family member or coworker—and the interaction goes nothing like the dread we’ve been playing in our heads for hours, or days, or even longer?

 

Perhaps the interaction is even pleasant and productive. 

 

What then? 

 

Which scenario is better, poor expectations exceeded or great expectations unmet?

 

They are equal. 

 

  With poor expectations, we place ourselves in a mental state of unease or suffering until the time of reckoning comes. At which point we finally allow ourselves to breathe and ask what we were so worried about— and the opposite is true of a great expectation. We’ve given up the present moment for an illusory sense of happiness in the future and have placed an incredible burden before us, something to live up to, until that moment comes and the expectation is not met. We then leave the present moment again, this time for the past and wonder why this now isn’t how we thought it was going to be. When we orient our attention to the past, we are facing the wrong way. We have turned our back to the window and all we see is a shadow.

 

  At least expectations keep us facing forward, though they keep us from the present if we place too much importance on them.

 

  We place expectations on everything around us. We expect to wake up, usually with the assistance of an alarm, which we expect to sound at the exact time we set. Once awake, we expect our bodies and minds to function, with few exceptions, as they did before sleeping. We expect the water to run when we turn on the faucet and expect our car to start before heading out for the day. We head to work, expecting other drivers to more or less obey the laws of the road and we even expect a certain amount of traffic. We arrive at work and perform our job as expected, and on our way home we may stop at the market and find everything is where it was last time, as expected. 

 

  It does some good to have these particular expectations, as they help us get along with our daily activities without much thought or worry. Surely our days would look and feel a lot more hectic and stressful if we could not expect the most basic things to function regularly. Most of these expectations go unnoticed until they go unmet. Like the unexpected sound, or bodily pain, or disturbing thought in meditation. How do we react when the alarm doesn’t wake us? How do we deal with a dead car battery? What do we do when we hit traffic and people aren’t driving as we expect them to drive? How do we act in the grocery store when they’ve rearranged everything? All of these things that just happen. 

 

Do we lose it or do we laugh?

 

  If we laugh, we’re okay. If we lose it, we’re lost. The unexpected has blocked the light from the window and we panic, unable to see our way out. But this is a good place to begin. Learning to pull back these curtains of expectation one at a time, and to laugh at the simple things that are out of our control. These unmet expectations are relatively harmless and are great practice for learning how to react when our big expectations go unmet.

 

  These big expectations can become even more troubling and burdensome. We place expectations on others based on arrangements, past experiences and our opinions of how one should behave or believe. We also place expectations on ourselves based on what we need to do and who we wish to become. We have expectations for the way our lives should unfold based on our hopes and dreams and promises of society. These expectations are a form of control and create a structure which can obstruct our otherwise beautiful view, making it difficult to navigate the ever changing terrain of life, which always plays out now, in this moment. Life does not happen in the past or the future.

 

  Let’s look at how these big expectations can affect how we view our lives and how this view can impact how well we treat others.

 

Consider your current life situation: Your job or career, your family life, your personal history. 

 

Is life, up to this moment, what you expected?

 

Are you successful?

 

Are you just getting by?

 

Are you rich or poor?

 

Do you enjoy what you do?

 

Are you making a difference in anyone’s life?

 

Are you living up to the expectations others have placed on you?

 

What about the expectations you’ve placed upon yourself?

 

Are you holding on to grief or anger toward yourself or life because of these unmet expectations?

 

Are your expectations unreasonable?

 

What role do these answers play in how you answer the next question?

 

Are you happy or sad?

 

  Let us remember that the definition for all these terms— rich vs. poor—success vs. failure— as well as the value you place on them, is yours alone. 

 

  For instance, your neighbor with the car or career or home you want are also looking at their neighbor with the car and career and home they do not have, and soon that will be you, and to some extent it already is, you’re trying to climb to the next thing. Again, the definition for success has shifted once more. There are no precise measurements for any of these terms, yet your particular definition will determine whether you feel rich or poor, a success or failure. These definitions will then act as the basis for whether you feel happy or sad. Also two uncertain and subjective terms. These expectations become the source of much of our unhappiness.

 

Where did these expectations come from?

 

  Consider that nothing out there exists in our minds until it is implanted by some external means.

For example: you will not desire to be an astronaut if you’ve never learned about the moon, rockets, or space exploration. Something external has taken root in the mind and has lead you to this. Most of these life goals of success and achievement have little to do with our actual existence and wellbeing— aside from the value we arbitrarily place on them. The expectations for how life should be are the result of our individual external conditioning.

 

  We become who we become, mostly by chance. This may be difficult to hear, but take a moment to think about it. We are an equation brought about by every external influence, multiplied or divided by the mind. This began with conception. None of us chose our parents or anything about our general physical appearance, or our mental capabilities, or where we grew up, or who came into our lives to steer us one way or another.

 

  All these factors have built in us, over time, expectations for the way things should or should not be. With mindful awareness we can begin to see our conditioned state for what it is and then alter its trajectory. Sometimes this means reevaluating lifelong convictions or habits. Or we can simply change our conditioned behaviors, one at a time, to achieve an open state of mind. Just as we do in meditation, we drop our expectations the moment we realize they are keeping us from accessing the broad window of awareness and we open ourselves to whatever arises. 

 

Are you content with your life?

 

  Not many people are—and you can see this as you look around and notice that everybody is trying to be somewhere else, or trying to get something else. If you are happy, or pleased, or content, you are rare and lucky that you were given all that you have—the body and mind that works the way it does and the external conditions which led to this mental state. It is, to some degree, mere chance.

 

If you are unhappy, take a few steps back, and then a few more.

 

  Try to view your life, this moment, from the perspective of someone less fortunate. Can you think of any living situation worse than yours?

 

How deep can your imagination take you?

 

Can you see that this imagined unfortunate state could be a reality for you, as it is for so many?

 

Can you go so far that you would do anything to have your current life back?

 

  It is easy to forget how fortunate we are when all of our fortunes are right here on display at all times—the car, the career, the house—we simply lose the eyes to see them after awhile. Our eyes begin to wander and become captured by all we do not have. The fact that you are listening to this already puts you in a very fortunate and historically rare position. You are alive, you are breathing. You most likely have access to food and water and power. You are benefitting from modern technology that most beings never even dreamt of.

 

  We have every reason to be content, but we are so quick to forget. Especially when we’re constantly being bombarded with more and more stuff, and with this, the expectation that the next thing will be it, the missing piece. But it never is. It’s just more window coverings.

 

  I’m not suggesting stagnation or complacency, not at all. We are free to improve our external life, though we may want to begin with the internal. We are free to have wants and goals and desires, but it is important that we do not attach our sense of self to these things, as they can keep us from enjoying all that we already are. If there be a desire, question it’s root.

 

What external conditions are at play here?

 

Why are we trying to achieve or attain this or that? 

 

For praise? 

 

For fun?

 

To be famous? 

 

To enhance our sense of self?

 

Or is it to bring people together, to create peace and harmony?

 

  Once we have an objective in mind, we need to remember that unless we enjoy each step toward attaining that goal, it may not be a goal worth striving for. We may achieve it, but at what cost? 

 

Is this really how we want to be spending our limited time in this body? 

 

What do we expect to gain? 

 

Are the potential rewards internal and lasting or external and fleeting?

 

  This is where meditation practice comes in handy. We simply can’t escape our true intentions as we uncover the conditioned mind. We pull back the curtains one at a time to expose our true nature. It’s a truly liberating view, like becoming lucid in a dream. We see how these layers of conditioning have steered our expectations of ourselves, of life, and how they are contributing to how we see others.

 

Are the people close to you living up to your expectations of them?

 

What expectations do you have of those you do not know?

 

What role do your beliefs or opinions play in how you expect others to behave? 

 

Are you holding on to grief or anger toward others because of unmet expectations?

 

Are you trying to control another’s behavior by treating them a particular way?

 

Have your expectations been unreasonable?

 

  The expectations we place on others are harmful at times, to us and to them. Even in our own day to day experiences, we often alter ourselves to fit into what we think other people expect of us. This can be exhausting and inauthentic on both sides of the interaction. These expectations can keep us from seeing another being as an individual worthy of our care. We simply do not know what is going on in another’s mind or life and expectations close the curtains and obstruct our view, which can keep us from truly seeing them and connecting. What’s more is that when we close our curtains, which may be invisible to others, we expect them to open them even before we can begin to see and treat them fairly. Our expectations of others become a form of control. Only when they act as we expect will we fully embrace them. We keep ourselves from seeing others when they are not like us. Are not who or what we expected them to be. Thus we both miss out on anything each of us has to offer. We keep ourselves from truly connecting with and understanding another being—one of the best ways to spread loving kindness.

 

  Everyone is gifted with different abilities—physical and mental— we have different eyes, different bodies, different minds. We have a different drive, and different emotional makeups. Everyone has a part in this cosmic play. Yet we expect that people will come around to our way of thinking, to our way of seeing the world, to our way of doing things. But if we step back a bit and then a little more, we can see that the result of this uniformity would be terrible. Diversity at every level is incredibly important and we need to remember that. Diversity of thought, of action, of goals and priorities. Our society depends on this very diversity to function. Not everyone can or should be an astronaut and most do not want that—and this is good. We need people to feed the astronauts, people to design and build the rockets and spacesuits, people to run tests and people to document the findings. We need diversity all around us in order to thrive and to learn.

 

  Contrary to the current thrust of society which values individual success and achievements no matter the cost, even if it means leaving others behind, we NEED one another. Our relationships with others will greatly determine our outlook on life which, to a great degree, is a reflection of our internal state. If we are open, we can learn something from every person, from every situation.

 

  Is there a way to get around all this? Is it possible to have no expectations? At times expectations can be useful. Such as a deadline we’re expected to meet. Or the astronaut who expects that everyone involved with the mission did their job, so that she can take off and land safely. Expectations are reasonable so long as there is mutual understanding and agreement. Throwing out expectations completely is not possible. But not all expectations are helpful or even reasonable. Through mindful awareness we can use discernment to figure out which is which. This awareness alone is a step toward inner peace. We learn to approach life, each moment or situation, with complete openness to whatever arises. We have little or no control over WHAT happens, but we can learn HOW to respond appropriately to anything that comes our way.

 

  We can see that expectations become our way of maintaining order in a world which is out of our control. The equation is simple: the more expectations we have and the more importance we place on them, the greater likelihood that we will be unhappy. Most importantly, our expectations take us away from this moment. The only thing that is real. The only place that anything can or will ever happen. It’s the one thing we should never take for granted. 

 

  So what can we do about this? It’s simple in theory, but we need the easy daily practice of sitting on a cushion and learning to look beyond the annoying sound in the background, the slight ache in our body, the unpleasant thought. Meditation practice is extremely useful in this way. We cannot change overnight something that has taken root in our thought and reaction patterns. But once we’ve suffered enough and decide to change, we need to start small by pulling the little weeds first. Our expectations limit our otherwise broad and beautiful view. We can begin by being mindful of these expectations, then we need to open up and let go of them. Sink-in to whatever is happening. Remember; life just does what it does, traffic just happens, thoughts just happen, and they are happening at different levels to everyone around us—none of this is personal, so don’t take it too seriously. Little by little, we can open ourselves up to life, all of it, and learn what it has to teach us. Life will continue onward with or without us, it doesn’t care about us, it is not here to serve our will. We are life, we are this moment. We simply can’t experience joy without sorrow, pleasure without pain, loss without gain. Life, whatever it may bring, is for living. If we can let go of expectations and be open and relaxed, we will love more, and laugh more— sometimes at the absurdity of it all. Compassion and loving kindness will emerge and we’ll be more generous with our time and our thoughts.